7 things Christian wives want from their husbands

Most Christian women I know have differing desires or prayers for their husbands. Some have husbands who have not yet come to know the Lord. Some just wish they were loved and don’t feel like they are. Remember, God saw that Leah was unloved. He knows and He cares.

Today, I’m hoping to address those who are believers, whose husband is not growing up into the head which is Christ. These women want a strong Biblical marriage but have lost heart because they’ve tried many things and it doesn’t seem to change. This is not an indictment against all Christian men, I know very many good, solid Christian men. And no one has arrived. So this is not written to make anyone feel condemned, but maybe give some ideas to help encourage you.

The enemy wants to destroy marriage which is a picture of Christ and the church (Eph 5:28-33). Plus he takes pleasure in the pain and suffering of the saints.

Some men are already fulfilling some, if not all of these things, so please don’t take any offense, this is not about bashing anyone. There are many godly men out there. But for those with husbands who may not b engaging, here are some things Christian wives really, really long for:

1.  A Spiritual Leader

So many are just aching for their husband to be a spiritual leader in the home. I think that’s the number one issue I hear (apart from those who have loved ones that are unsaved). Often their husband doesn’t pray with them or spend time in the Word. We still are responsible for our own time, but I’m speaking of those where it just does not happen as a couple. He may even do it outside the home with others but not with them. Unfortunately they also may not teach their children about God whether in word or by example.

Wives wish they could see their husbands speak (pray) to God sincerely from the inner man, vs. by rote or in a religious repetitive way. Just speaking to Him honestly as you would to a friend — and together sometimes at least. Like King David or Moses did. Don’t know what that is like? Then the next point would be important to consider.

And some men think they are a spiritual leader but are more of a dictator. I really pray that you aren’t in that category.

2.  A man who loves God and His Word

Wives so wish their husbands were into God and His Word. Many are ‘into’ lots of things and have many interests. They can quote teams, players, coaches, news figures, actors, singers, the new political story of the day, but sadly many times just don’t speak of much of what God says if anything at all ever. What a joy it would be to have them search for Scripture to encourage their wives. Or share a verse with them (one that wasn’t pre-written on a card). Has he shared with you what he’s learned in the day from God’s Word? From my experience with some groups, I know many, many women are answering ‘no’ to that.

I’m so sorry, I understand and am praying with you, we want the best for them too. We so wish our men would love God’s Word and have a truly intimate relationship with Him. That they might hide some of God’s treasure (His Word-Ps 119:162) in their heart, (knowing how it keeps us from sinning – Ps 119:11). If they would just learn discernment in doctrine, even see it with what’s going on in the world, we would be so touched (Heb 5:12-14). Some actually get upset or angry with their wives if they are a Berean (Acts 17:11), what a shame. No one should ever be condemned for that, rather commended. If those husbands would learn to exercise their senses to learn discernment, all would be great (Acts 17:11; 1 John 4:1; Heb 5:12).

3.  A man who really loves us

Simply put, many wives don’t feel loved. They feel like they are an after thought. And I understand some effort goes into that both ways. But for the women who do try, and have finally put up walls, or have become somewhat indifferent to the neglect, I can only tell you, keep praying. Especially try to remember to keep praying for him, as you acknowledge the Lord in more of your ways (Prov 3:5-6). Some husbands seem to only pour their energies into work, sports, news, friends, television, phones or social media, and women may feel as if they are left on the outside. Jesus knows that feeling, don’t you give up, keep abiding in the Vine, and continue in His Word. If your husbands have neglected time with God, He will be left outside knocking on the door (Rev 3:20), and he will lose out in fellowshipping with Jesus.

Worse are those women who have suffered from their husband’s wandering eye and/or body. Pornography, cheating, or even just indecency on television or the internet that they decide to feast on. Jesus said you have already committed adultery and is the very definition of hatred for your wife. Very hard for a wife to forget, the wounds run deep along with disgust. The intimacy, respect, love — many times are irreparably broken.

Lonely, hurting wives often don’t know where to begin to fix their marriage, or even if their marriage is worth fixing. They may have nowhere to go. They may be staying out of loyalty and decency concerning what they believe to be moral and right. But they do not feel loved and inwardly they are broken and sorrowing. A great, vast loneliness has crept in like a dark fog. And they can suffer also in their relationship with the Lord because of this. Because if their husband is not showing them love, they have difficulty trusting in Christ’s undying love for them. But don’t let this happen, lean into the One who cares.

Husbands, loving your wife like Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it will net you so much more in riches than you could ever know in this lifetime, and in the next. You cannot fake it with her, but you can start with one kindness and keep trying to acknowledge God in each thing you try to do better with her or your children (or stepchildren). Just say something kind in sincerity. Look at her with a smile instead of a scowl.

4. A man of faith, that is ready with an answer of the hope that is within him

We just want a man who we can see grow in faith by hearing the Word (Rom 10:17). A husband who is set apart from worldly ways as he’s sanctified, cleansed and washed in the Word (John 17:17, Ps 119:9, Eph 5:26). One who wants to share his faith with others (with a clear gospel, unencumbered by false teachings). The next point helps address that.

5.  A man of wisdom and understanding

Women want a King Solomon for a husband. Not for wealth or definitely not for his failings. A lot to ask I know, but we all can have wisdom from God. Women desire a husband who has wisdom and faith in difficult situations — the wisdom that comes from God. Gentle wisdom delivered by a man with a kind and humble spirit. Not a man that provokes his family to anger, or isolates himself from his wife with hours and hours of T.V. or sports or friends (or face buried in a phone all the time). We wish that the first thing they would desire in the morning was to spend time in His Word getting wisdom instead of reaching for the phone, or switching on the TV or rushing out the door (or whatever it may be in front of the Lord).

He also taught me, and said to me: “Let your heart retain my words; Keep my commands, and live. Get wisdom! Get understanding! Do not forget, nor turn away from the words of my mouth. Pr 4:4-5

We pray for a man of integrity, who has humbly gotten wisdom and understanding from God’s Word. So many men don’t even crack a Bible, unless maybe at church. Or if they do, they prefer to solely rely on untested teachers, audio books, video preachers, faulty past writers and preachers, written commentary… They do not apply Acts 17:11, nor do they ‘prove all things’ first (1 Thess 5:21). They’re lacking in personal time with the One who laid down His life for them. It’s almost like, ‘Thank You Jesus for saving me, but I have my own things I want to do now, I might say a prayer over dinner later though’. Listen friends, I’m not really trying to bash men as a whole. If these things don’t fit, I am in no way saying this applies to all. Just that many women I know have struggled or are struggling with men who aren’t even trying to be a disciple.

Women deisre to see their men filled with the good things found in His Word instead of loving so much of the things in this world (1 John 2:15). Let God teach you, apply your heart to wisdom and He will give you so much (Pr 22:17-21).

For he satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness. Psalm 107:9

6. A honorable man who speaks with kindness

Some men are just mean. I mean it — flat out unkind, lacking wisdom or discretion.

The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters; The wellspring of wisdom is a flowing brook.  Pr 18:4

I watched a man who is a believer publicly berate his wife for just nicely speaking her opinion. This is not a woman who is obnoxious or overbearing, but soft, sweet, humble and certainly humbled to him. I’ve seen almost cultish control in some of the ‘Christian’ celebrities who do not treat women like Christ did.

Dear Christian Men, please honor and respect your wives and cherish them as the weaker vessel, not as a lesser person. Don’t try to lead by bullying. Esteem your wives like the Word tells us to esteem others (Phil 2:3). Several controlling men I’ve observed seem to miss Eph 5:21, only recalling that their wives should submit to them. We are to submit to each other. Remember Christ loves them also and gave Himself for them. They belong to Him. Treat them with great love as He did.

Errant teaching can cause bad behavior in men and women both, this I know. So men, please test each teacher or church you attend, and search the Scriptures yourself to see if what they are teaching is true (Acts 17:11). It is your place to protect your family from this, but how will you know the difference between good and evil if you are not in the ‘strong meat of His Word (Heb 5:12-14)?

Gentlemen, if you are being harsh with your wives, embarrassing her in public, bad mouthing her to others, it’s not from Him. If you are short-tempered, angry, or less then kind-hearted and tender with her, consider these Scriptures:

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer. Pr 19:14

Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7

7. Woman wish their husbands had the right priorities

Men have a difficult time prioritizing. They have many responsibilities (if they are doing what they should). Providing for their family, house maintenance, vehicle upkeep, and more is difficult. They often have desires to just blow off steam. Maybe just 18 holes of golf, having dinner with friends, or watching a game, news or a show. Nothing inherently wrong with any of those things (if it’s decent). But womn wish for a man who would have his priorities even somewhat in order. God and His Word first. Us next. We are supposed to be one flesh that you nourish and cherish. Then our children, and following that, our families, then friends. These things should be first before hours and hours of friends, television, Computer, phone time, texts, phone calls, games, etc. This society of endless methods of entertainment has a lot of us stressed, sad, lonely and unfulfilled. Many marriages may be amiable enough, but still not an active picture of a couple in love, or emulating Christ’s love for His church.

I know many of you can come up with your own lists or wishes. The easy answer is to simply do what Jesus said and things will fall into place.

1. Abide in the Vine (spend time with Jesus in prayer).
2. Continue in His Word (with His approval as your goal).

If husbands might consider these things in prayer, and stick close to the Lord and His Word, many things will get better. Husbands, all if this ends and begins with love. Love is not a feeling, it is a decision and a sacrifice for the love of Christ. If you love Jesus, tend and feed His sheep (John 21:15-17).

What can women do?

So ladies, what can we do?

First I will never advise for any woman to stay in an abusive or adulterous relationship, that’s not what this article is about. I am not a counselor, but safety is the first and primary concern in my opinion.

Here are some things we can do. We do not allow him to sin and just stand by without a word because it’s easier. But be careful of the beam in your own eye before you attempt to remove his splinter. Judge with a righteous judgment. Be angry, but don’t sin in your anger. Watch your words, try to let all be done in love. We can speak the truth in love with our husband (or try prayerfully). And remember, in the multitude of words, sin is not lacking. Some women may go on too long, or too many times. Probaby time to clamp our hands over our mouth and take it to the Lord in prayer.

We can ask another to pray in agreement with us for him, but be cautious. Many marriages have been damaged because of ‘prayer requests’ which turn into gossip or advice that may not be helpful. May be better to keep the circle small of trusted, mature believers. Husbands talk to their moms or dads (or siblings), and the parents think less of the wife (and vice versa). Please don’t do that. Or friends don’t like your husband after you tell all in anger. Share your prayer request with a trusted and spiritually mature believer or two only. One who you know to not be a gossip. It’s not necessary (nor wise) to go into great detail, and especially to a large group. God knows what is needed.

We can continue to persevere to be sanctified in His Word ourselves. Pray for him always, and if it has gotten as bad as him being your enemy, well then the next thing is to treat him as the Bible tells us to deal enemy, with love and kindness and prayer. Not behaving in the same manner towards them. Heaping coals of fire on their heads as Scripture tells us (and no not literally). 🙂

Look for and pray for the areas you can improve with God’s help. We may want a perfect husband but aren’t exactly the Proverbs 31 wife. We can all cut down on certain things that might be hindering our husband’s love and respect for us too. Or build up in other areas. Do little things here and there, and slowly but surely and as unto the Lord, you can be building solidly things that will last, instead of hay and stubble (1 Cor 3).

Finally, try to be thankful for the things your husband does right and tell God and them too. Everyone does better with a word kindly spoken in sincerity. Remember the law of kindness on your tonguee.

I personally am thankful for an imperfect husband who puts up with my many quirks. Who knew before we married, the desires of my heart were to do certain things for the Lord and he enables me to do so. He does things maybe some other men might consider beneath them. He does laundry, he shops, he cooks (not all the time, but he made most of our dinner on Sunday). I also do those things, in fact I love to cook, make homemade bread, meals for him and to share with others. We are not perfect, but we consider ourselves partners in life.

Do I wish some things were different? Of course I do! And I pray for those things, but maybe that is meant for the Lord to work changes in me. And maybe I need to learn to be content in whatever situation I am in, looking towards the author and finisher of my faith. 

Pray for your husband daily. And encourage him, and don’t forget to feed yourself if he is not feeding you from God’s Word. Do not use thatt as an excuse. We are not responsible to beat our husbands at the forge into the shape we want him. Remember that he also belongs to the Lord. Pray before you speak, our mouths don’t have a back space button. Everything we wish for in a husband, we should strive to become ourselves as a wife with God’s help.

Love in Christ to you all. Hope this was helpful to someone.