7 things Christian wives want from their husbands

Most Christian women I know have different desires for their husbands. Some have husbands who have not yet come to know the Lord. Today, I’m hoping to address those who are believers, but maybe their husband is not growing up into the head which is Christ. They want a strong Biblical marriage but have lost heart. 

The enemy wants to destroy marriage which is a picture of Christ and the church (Eph 5:28-33).

Some men are already fulfilling some, if not all of these things. But for those with imperfect husbands, here are some things we really, really long for:

1.  A Spiritual Leader

So many are just aching for their husband to be a spiritual leader in the home. I think that’s the number one issue I hear (apart from those who have loved ones that are unsaved). Often their husband doesn’t pray with them or spend time in the Word. Nor does he teach their children about God whether in word or by example.

Wives wish they could see their husbands speak to God sincerely from the inner man, vs. by rote or in a religious repetitive way. Just speaking to Him honestly as you would to a friend. Like King David or Moses did. Don’t know what that is? Then the next point would be important for you.

2.  A man who loves God and His Word

Wives so wish their husbands were into God and His Word. Oh they are ‘into’ lots of things. They can quote teams, players, coaches, news figures, actors, singers, but sadly many times just not much of what God says. What a joy it would be to have them search for Scripture to encourage their wives. Or share a verse with them (one that wasn’t pre-written on a card). Has he shared with you what he’s learned in the day? I know many, many women are answering ‘no’ to that. I’m so sorry, I understand and am praying with you. We so wish our men would love God’s Word and have a truly intimate relationship with Him. That they might hide some of God’s treasure (His Word-Ps 119:162) in their heart, (knowing how it keeps us from sinning – Ps 119:11). If they would just learn discernment in doctrine, or even with what’s going on in the world, we would be so touched (Heb 5:12-14). Actually if they would not get grumpy that you are a Berean, but would show some discernment, all would be great (Acts 17:11; 1 John 4:1; Heb 5:12).

3.  A man who really loves us

Simply put, many wives don’t feel loved. They are an after thought. They’ve finally put up walls, and they have become somewhat indifferent to the neglect. As their husbands pour their energies into work, friends, television, even their phones or social media, they feel as if they are left on the outside, (as God usually is in these men’s lives).

Worse are those who have suffered from their husband’s wandering eye. Pornography, cheating, or even just indecency on television or the internet that they decide to look at. Jesus said you have already committed adultery and is the very definition of hatred for your wife. Very hard for a wife to forget, the wounds are deep. The intimacy is many times irreparably broken.

Many lonely, hurting wives don’t know where to begin to fix their marriage, or even if their marriage is worth fixing. They are staying out of loyalty and decency concerning what they believe to be moral and right. But they do not feel loved and inwardly they are broken and sorrowing. A great, vast loneliness has crept in like a dark fog. And they can suffer also in their relationship with the Lord because of this. Because if their husband is not showing them love, they have difficulty trusting in Christ’s undying love for them.

Husbands, loving your wife like Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it will net you so much more in riches than you could ever know in this lifetime. You cannot fake it with her, but you can start with one kindness and keep trying to acknowledge God in each thing you try to do better with her or your children (or stepchildren).

4. A man of strong faith

We just want a man who we can see grow in faith by hearing the Word (Rom 10:17). A husband who is set apart from worldly ways as he’s sanctified, cleansed and washed in the Word (John 17:17, Ps 119:9, Eph 5:26). One who wants to share his faith with others (with a clear gospel, unencumbered by false teachings). The next point helps address that.

5.  A man of wisdom and understanding

Women want a King Solomon for a husband. Not for wealth or definitely not for his failings. But one who has wisdom in difficult situations — the wisdom that comes from God, delivered by a man with a kind and humble spirit. Not a man that provokes his family to anger, or isolates himself from his wife with hours and hours of T.V. or sports or friends (or face buried in a phone all the time). We wish that the first thing they would desire in the morning was to spend time in His Word getting wisdom instead of reaching to catch up on news or sports or nonsense stories from the world:

He also taught me, and said to me: “Let your heart retain my words; Keep my commands, and live. Get wisdom! Get understanding! Do not forget, nor turn away from the words of my mouth. Pr 4:4-5

We pray for a man of integrity, who has humbly gotten wisdom and understanding from God’s Word. So many men don’t crack a Bible, or if they do, they tend to turn to teachers, audio books, written commentary without even ‘proving all things’ first (1 Thess 5:21). They’re lacking in personal time with the One who laid down His life for them. It’s like, ‘Thank You Jesus for saving me, but I have my own things I want to do now, I might say a prayer over dinner later though’.

We just want to see our men filled with the good things found in His Word instead of loving so much of the things in this world (1 John 2:15). Let God teach you, apply your heart to wisdom (Pr 22:17-21).

For he satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness. Psalm 107:9

6. A honorable man who speaks with kindness

Some men are just mean. I mean it — flat out unkind, lacking wisdom or discretion.

The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters; The wellspring of wisdom is a flowing brook.  Pr 18:4

I watched a man who is a believer publicly berate his wife for just nicely speaking her opinion. This is not a woman who is obnoxious or overbearing, but soft, sweet, humble and certainly humbled to him. Men, please honor and respect your wives and cherish them as the weaker vessel, not as a lesser person. Don’t try to lead by bullying. Esteem your wives like the Word tells us to esteem others (Phil 2:3). Several controlling men I’ve observed, seem to miss Eph 5:21, only recalling that their wives should submit to them. Remember Christ loves them also and gave Himself for them. They belong to Him. Treat them with great love.

Errant teaching can cause bad behavior in men and women both, this I know. So men, please test each teacher or church you attend, and search the Scriptures yourself to see if what they are teaching is true (Acts 17:11).

Gentlemen, and if you are being harsh with your wives, embarrassing her in public, bad mouthing her to others, it’s not from Him. If you are short-tempered, angry, or less then kind-hearted and tender with her, consider these Scriptures:

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer. Pr 19:14

Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7

7. Woman wish their husbands had the right priorities

Men have a difficult time prioritizing. They have many responsibilities (if they are doing what they should). Providing for their family, house maintenance, vehicle upkeep, and more. They often have desires to just blow off steam. Maybe just 18 holes of golf, having dinner with friends, or watching a game, news or a show. Nothing inherently wrong with any of that (if it’s decent). But we wish for a man who would have his priorities in order. God and His Word first. Us next, we are supposed to be one flesh that you nourish and cherish. Then our children and following that, our families, then friends. These things should be first before hours and hours of friends, television, phone time, texts, phone calls, games, etc. This society of endless methods of entertainment has a lot of us stressed, sad and unfulfilled. Many marriages may be amiable enough, but not an active picture of a couple in love.

I know many of you can come up with your own lists or wishes. The easy answer is to simply do what Jesus said and things will fall into place.

1. Abide in the Vine (spend time with Jesus in prayer).
2. Continue in His Word (with His approval as your goal).

That’s it! Follow that my husband friends and many things will get better.

What can women do?

So ladies, what can we do?

First I will never advise for any woman to stay in an abusive or adulterous relationship, that’s not what this article is about.

Here are some things we can do. We do not allow him to sin and just stand by, but be careful of the beam in your own eye before you attempt to remove his splinter. Judge with a righteous judgment. Be angry, but don’t sin in your anger. Watch your words, let all be done in love. We can speak the truth in love with our husband (or try prayerfully).

We can ask another to pray in agreement with us for him, but be cautious. Many marriages have been damaged because of ‘prayer requests’ which turn into gossip or advice that may not be helpful. Husbands talk to their moms and the moms think less of the wife and vice versa. Or friends don’t like your husband after you blab. Share your prayer request with a trusted and spiritually mature believer only. One who you know to not be a gossip. It’s not necessary (nor wise) to go into great detail, God knows what is needed.

We can continue to persevere to be sanctified in His Word ourselves. Pray for him always, and if it has gotten as bad as him being your enemy, well then the next thing is to treat him as the Bible tells us to deal enemy, with love and kindness. Not behaving in the same manner towards them. Heaping coals of fire on their heads as Scripture tells us (and no not literally). 🙂

Look for and pray for the areas you can improve with God’s help. We can all cut down on certain things that might be hindering our husband’s love and respect for us too. Do little things here and there, and slowly but surely, you can be building solidly things that will last, instead of hay and stubble (1 Cor 3).

Finally, try to be thankful for the things your husband does right. Everyone does better with a word kindly spoken in sincerity. Tell the Lord too.

I personally am thankful for an imperfect husband who puts up with my many quirks. Who knew before we married, the desires of my heart were to do certain things for the Lord and he enables me to do so. He does things maybe some men might consider beneath them. He does laundry, he shops, he cooks (not all the time, but he made most of our dinner on Sunday). 

Do I wish some things were different? Of course I do! And I pray for those things, and maybe that is meant for the Lord to work changes in me. And maybe I need to learn to be content in whatever situation I am in, looking towards the author and finisher of my faith. 

Pray for your husband daily. And encourage him, and don’t forget to feed yourself if he is not feeding you from God’s Word. We are not responsible to beat our husbands at the forge into the shape we want him. Remember that he also belongs to the Lord. Pray before you speak, we don’t have a back space button. Everything we wish for in a husband, we need to become ourselves with God’s help.

Love in Christ to you all. Hope this was helpful to one.